yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
