I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
