So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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