final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
