Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
