my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
