At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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