I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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