I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
