Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
