Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
