Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
