The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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