good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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