wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
