I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
