He kissed a someone with a penis
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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