remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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