I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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