I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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