went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
