When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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