mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
