I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
