Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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