i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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