I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Pants are for mortals
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