And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
