she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
