I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
