WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
