dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
