My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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