I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We left an ass print on the piano.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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