Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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