If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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