the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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