i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
