I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize