now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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