Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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