It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
