I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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