Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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