i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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