She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
