and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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