I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you didnt know i had herpes?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
