i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
