I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He called his prostate his "boner button".
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize