just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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