Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
