Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I am one with the molecules
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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