I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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