Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she peed on how many people?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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